Somebody in our house is going through a major I Heart Daddy phase. How can I blame her? Daddy makes noises that sound exactly like a trombone or a car passing by. Daddy has Superman strength and can lift a little one high into the air without his arms getting too tired. Daddy's patience never wavers. He does not constantly vacuum the living room and complain about dog hair. Daddy does not need a cup of coffee to feel cheerful in the morning. I understand my little one's adoration.
But as alliances shift in our household, I cannot help but feel a little left out, a little left behind. For most of Caitlin's life, our attachment was absolute. When I left the room, she followed. When C fell down, she only called for Mama. Things are different now. Most mornings when Caitlin wakes up, the first thing she says is "Daddy!" When Daddy arrives home, Caitlin runs to the door, awaiting her hero's return. Last night, Daddy left the bathroom during bath time, which prompted sorrowful cries of "Daddy! Daddy!" until he finally came back. Sometimes I wonder if I am invisible, or a least cast in the shadows of Daddy's bright light.
As our relationships change, I remind myself that love does not mean as one bond strengthens, another weakens. Although Caitlin's heart is tiny, its capacity to love is immeasurable. I may not be the one who can swing her high enough to touch the clouds, but I am the one who hears her cries at night, almost the moment before they begin. Daddy is the joy, I am the comfort.
This seems like a satisfying ending, but there is more to the story. Last week, Caitlin and I spent time looking at the different pictures on our refrigerator. With excitement in her voice, Caitlin squealed "Daddy!" while pointing to his picture over and over again. "Where's Mama?" I asked. Finally, Caitlin called, "Mama!" I followed her pointer finger to a magnet from Newport, featuring a large, red crab saying, "Don't be crabby!" As though to confirm my disappointment, Caitlin pointed at the crab again and said, "Mama!" So much for being the comfort, maybe I am just the crab.
