The Voices In My Head

Along with sleep deprivation and stretch marks, comes another, far uglier feature of new motherhood: The Voices. The first voice belongs to Reason. Reason is logical, assured, no nonsense. If Reason had a face, it might look like Mrs. Clark, my fourth grade teacher. Mrs. Clark wore pressed pants and blouses every day. The rumor circulating through Pleasant Street School was that Mrs. Clark once served in the army. Or Reason might look like my husband. Unfailingly calm, patient, and by far the more natural parent in our parenting team. The second, much louder voice belongs to Self Doubt. Self Doubt is persistent, indecisive, anxious. Self Doubt might resemble a more disheveled version of myself. Lipstick on my teeth, tousled hair, coffee stain trailing down my shirt. Reason and Self Doubt argue within my mind constantly, around and around, over and over again. Never ending.
I first met Reason and Self Doubt while reading Baby Bargains during my second trimester. While researching baby equipment, Reason and Self Doubt had their share of debates.
Reason: I don't need to spend money on a bassinet because I have a Pack and Play and Caitlin's future crib is three feet from our bed.
Self-Doubt: Will Caitlin be safe sleeping in the vast terrain of her crib? What if she rolls into the crib bumpers?
At first, Reason and Self Doubt's debates were civil, subdued. Point. Counterpoint.
After Caitlin was born, Reason and Self Doubt began arguing loudly and often. About a week after Caitlin came home from the hospital, Matt had a hockey game and I was alone with the baby. As I held Caitlin and watched her sleep, a sudden feeling of responsibility overwhelmed me. Caitlin was so vulnerable, so dependent. Self Doubt began asking: Am I truly qualified to be somebody's mother? Reason tried to help, but my mind often ignored its sound advice.
Even with almost six months of parenting under my belt, the voices speak on.
Reason: It is o.k. to let Caitlin cry after I put her to bed. This is how she will learn to self-soothe and fall asleep on her own.
Self Doubt: Caitlin will feel insecure, frightened, and abandoned.
On Thursday night, Reason and Self Doubt were finally put in their places. After Caitlin woke from her late afternoon nap, she felt warm, her cheeks were red, her eyes were glassy. Sure enough, her temperature was 101.9. Immediately panicked, I called the doctor's office. Nurse Noreen, who is becoming a close friend and confidant, promptly returned my call. Noreen asked routine questions: Is Caitlin eating? Does she have wet diapers? Are there any other symptoms of illness? Yes, yes, and no. Then Noreen did the worst possible thing: she presented me with a choice. Noreen said I could bring Caitlin to urgent care or to the emergency room that night. Or, I could give her Tylenol, monitor her through the night, and bring her to the doctor in the morning. After a long pause, Noreen asked, "Mrs. McCabe? Are you still there? What do you want to do?" Because her question required an immediate response, Reason and Self Doubt had no time to argue. At this point, Instinct took over. Instinct is always there, quietly lurking. Instinct does not argue or analyze. Instinct acts, knows. "I am going to keep Caitlin at home, let her sleep, and make an appointment for the morning," I said to Noreen. "I think that is a wise choice," Noreen replied, thereby validating my need to listen to Instinct above all others.
On Friday morning, I brought Caitlin to the doctor. Her fever was gone and the doctor assured me she was just fine. Most likely, the fever resulted from teething. Instinct prevailed. Take that, Self Doubt!
Along with my newly expanded hips, the Voices will be a part of me from here forward. Through every action, every decision, Reason and Self Doubt will be present. I accept this part of new motherhood. Thankfully, Instinct is also a part of new motherhood. It has always been there, waiting for its chance to lead.