Only in My Dreams

The night before our eighteen week ultrasound, I could not sleep. Our room was too hot. My sheets came untucked from the end of the bed. My pajamas did not fit. I woke to pee at least three times. And worst of all, I had a crazy-time, pregnancy-hormone induced dream. In my dream, Matt and I went to our ultrasound, full of anticipation. While examining images of our baby, the doctor squinted, rubbed her chin, sighed, and repeatedly said, "Hmmmm..." Finally, she turned to Matt and me and said, "I'm not sure how to tell you this, so I'll just say it. Did you know you were carrying a horse?" While I was able to deliver a 9 lb, 13 oz baby, I don't have it in me to deliver a horse, even one of the those comically adorable miniature ponies you may see at a petting zoo or in the circus. I woke up sweating, anxious about the unknown, and fearing the worst.

The next morning, I went to our ultrasound appointment exhausted and nervous. While waiting for the doctor to arrive, I told Matt about my dream from the night before:

Me: "O.k. don't laugh at me, but I'm so nervous. I had a dream last night that our baby is actually not a baby at all, but a horse."

Husband: "Really. Well, I guess I'll have to build a stable. I wonder if there is room in the backyard?"

Me: "Seriously, I'm really nervous."

Husband: "I know, horses are expensive. I wonder how much hay our baby horse will need?"

Me: "Stop it. You are not helping. You are not funny. At all."

In the middle of this exchange, the ultrasound doctor arrived, eliminating my opportunity to really give my husband a piece of my mind. She asked routine questions about my past pregnancy, my current pregnancy, and my overall health. Suddenly, in the middle of her questions, I told the doctor about my horse dream. I over share. It's something I'm working on. While Matt stifled giggles, she nodded, looked at me as though I could be the biggest moron ever to walk into Boston Ultrasound, but said, "I'm sure your baby is just fine. Let's have a look and you'll see."

After moment or two, our little baby appeared on the video display screen looking every bit like a healthy, developing, and (thank goodness) human baby. The doctor commented on Baby's strong heart, developing brain, kidneys, lungs, and bladder. We saw Baby kick its legs and make fists with its tiny hands. At one point, it even looked like Baby waved hello. As I watched our new baby on the screen, I finally exhaled and released all of the anxiety I've been carrying throughout this pregnancy. I soaked in the images of our baby, imagining the color of his or her eyes, wondering if Baby would have long fingers like Caitlin. The only things distracting me from this little wonder were Matt's muffled whinnies, neighs, and hee haws. He thinks he is hilarious. I am considering attending all future appointments alone.

Here is a picture of Baby from its first photo shoot. Looks like he or she has my hubby's oversized head. Lucky mama!!

I Said No

My daughter does not listen to me. For months, the Terrific Tot was compliant, pleasant, and agreeable most of the time. If I asked her to put a fork in the dishwasher, clean up her toys, or stop trying to ride the dog like a small pony, she would smile, listen, and obey. I thought I had a remarkable child, impervious to the obstinacy that comes with toddlerhood. I was a total idiot.

Over the past month, something has changed. Now when I ask the Terrific Tot to do just about anything, her standard response is, "NO."

"Caitlin, it's time to take your bath." "NO."

"Caitlin, let's go upstairs for naptime." "NO."

"Caitlin, please brush your teeth." "Seriously?"

"Caitlin, come eat your supper." "Didn't you hear me the first time lady? I said, 'NO!'"

When she hears my voice, Caitlin simply looks up from her toys, stares, looks back at her toys, sighs, says "NO," and goes right on playing. Could she speak in sentences, I think she would say, "Listen, Mom, I know you are trying to take care of me and all, but I'm kind of busy here."

What happens next depends. Sometimes, I wait until Caitlin becomes distracted from her present activity and try to redirect her attention to the task at hand. Sometimes, I tell her Bella made a mess in the bathroom, nursery, or kitchen, which we must investigate immediately. Sometimes after a long day, I let Daddy take over and hide in the other room with Facebook and an U.S. Weekly. When I am really exhausted and impatient, I pick up Miss I Said No, bring her to the desired location, and enforce my supreme motherly power. This doesn't usually end well.

I suppose Caitlin's refusal to listen means she is asserting independence, expressing wants and desires, and showing self-assurance. While I hope my daughter will be independent and confident, I also hope she will be respectful and listen to others. Somehow, I must allow opportunities for her to make choices and gain independence, while also teaching her the importance of listening and doing what is asked. Until then, I must teach myself to be patient and accept "No" for an answer, at least once in a while.

Certainty

Yesterday was my sixteen week doctor's visit. Caitlin came along since my appointment immediately followed school. Dad met us at the doctor's office, armed with Goldfish crackers, an Elmo magnadoodle, and an onslaught of board books, to help entertain the Terrific Tot during my check-up. Before Dr. W began the exam, she asked, "Does Caitlin know about the b-a-b-y?"

Good question, Dr. W. Yes, we told Caitlin a new baby is coming and she will be a big sister. She points at my belly and says, "baby." Caitlin even waves to my belly and gives my belly kisses. However, she also points at Matt's belly and says, "baby." She pats, kisses, and waves at Matt's tummy. Does she truly understand there is real, live baby growing exclusively in my belly? I'm not so sure. I am not certain she is old enough to truly grasp this whole "new baby" thing. There was not a simple answer to Dr. W's question. Rather than taking up precious appointment time with stories of Caitlin's baby confusion, I simply said, "yes."

And then something wonderful happened. Dr. W began a sonogram and we all heard the new baby's heartbeat, strong and steady at 144-150 beats per minute. As we listened to the heart beating I said, "Caitlin, listen. You can hear the baby." She stopped playing and sat in momentary silence. As she listened to her new brother or sister, Caitlin smiled and said with certainty, "Baby." This time I really think she did understand what this is all about. And it was amazing.

Second Time Around

If you look carefully at Caitlin's shirt, you may notice it contains a special message. Some time toward the end of November, Caitlin will become a big sister. I am approximately sixteen weeks into my second pregnancy. With each passing day, my belly becomes larger and my regular pants become tighter, which makes me think I have many months of elastic waistbands and flowing tunics in my future.

Second pregnancies are funny: the belly announces its arrival much earlier than the first time around, making it near impossible to conceal pregnancy from co-workers. People's reactions are more nonchalant, as though this news was expected for some time. And raising a toddler commands most of my time and energy, thereby causing me to often forget I am pregnant again.

Second pregnancies also bring many questions and much apprehension. How will I prepare Caitlin to handle the role of big sister? How can I minimize any jealousy she may feel when a new baby arrives? How can I let two little ones know they are equally loved, equally special? As with anything when it comes to raising kids, I know I will make mistakes. I suppose those mistakes will allow me to learn and grow as a parent. I think we are about to embark on the greatest, but most challenging, adventure of all. Wish us luck!!